Chapter 4: See your blind spots

In fact, there is always a gap between the self we think we present and the way others see us. We may not recognize ourselves in others’ feedback, even when everyone else would agree that it’s the conventional wisdom about who we are and how we are.

The way we are understood and misunderstood by others are amazingly systematic and predictable.

To achieve our intentions, we do and say things, we put behaviour into the world. Others develop a story about our intentions and character. They offer some version of these perceptions to us as feedback.

Blindspot: pg81-85 something we don’t see about ourselves that others do see.

Your leaky face: we read nuances in faces and tone through this we formulate a ‘theory of mind’ about those we interact with.

Your leaky tone: what we hear as singers is not what the audience hears, you need outside ears to train your tone.

Your leaky patterns: we can be seemingly unaware of big obvious patterns of behaviour.

Email body language: we know what they said, we want to know what they meant.

They may see exactly what we are trying to hide.

THREE BLIND-SPOT AMPLIFIERS:

Emotional math: example: situations are not tense- people are tense.

Situation versus character: I attribute my actions to the situations, you attribute my actions to my character.

Impact versus intent: we judge ourselves by our intentions, others judge us by our impacts.

The result: Our generally positive self- I presume that with good intentions lead to good impacts- I’m trying to help, to guide, even to coach but they have negative impacts.

We collude to keep each other in the dark: pg90. when on the giving side, we often withhold critical feedback. It’s easy for the receiver to take misplaced comfort in the absence of corroborating views. Seeing ourselves clearly is a challenge.

WHAT HELPS US SEE OUR BLIND SPOTS?

Use your reaction as a blind-spot alert:

Ask: How do I get in my own way?: narrow the question for review of someone’s practise.

Look for patterns: offer consistent feedback in two ways, consider that we are each describing the same behaviour but interpreting it differently.  Then ask myself ‘where have I heard this before?

Get a second opinion: ask a friend about the feedback you’ve just been given, ask: ‘do you see me doing this?’ Think critically.

Honest mirrors versus supportive mirrors: Honest- not at our best, a true reflection of what others saw. Supportive- best self.

Have a purpose: discover how you come across.

RELATIONSHIP TRIGGERS and the challenge of WE.